ok i know i am pretty messed up for loving my brother the way i do but that doesn't mean that i want to leave him alone althogh he seems like he doesn't care anymore that i love him i love him dearly and anyone who dares to love me will be held close and comforted people just don't seem to like who i am just because of how big i am its like i know i am a hippo you don't have to point it out ok back on topic i was talking to my brother on the way to the store when i asked on our way back home what he thought we were as a couple he ws quiet for a min then he said what will happen if i say that we are friends with benifits i told him i would cut off my emotions and go numb i guess he tought it was a joke because he said we were just that i quit talkin after that then he said at the next stop sign whats wrong now all irratated like i said no your going to get mad at me that night when we went to sleep i did it i figured out how to do it again i figured out how to shut down my feelings and emotions i did it i was shaking and tears were rolling down my face and landing on my pillow i was shaking really bad and i couldn't feel it i couldn't feel the pain anymore i couldn't feel anything my brother looked at me in the dark and he touched my arm i couldn't feel all the warmth from his hand i couldn't feel it with no emotions to control my thoughts i got up and i didn't even feel myself move it was like floating i was sitting on the egde of the bed just sitting there breathing i couldn't even feel myself breath i wanted to laugh like a mad person i heard him shift on the bed he got himself close to me and pulled me so that i was leaning on him he sounded worryed he said just go to sleep juat ly down and go to sleep i just looked at him and wanted to laugh but the look on his face stoped me and i listened and layed on my side of the bed real still because i couldn't feel anything and my skin got real cold but i still couldn't feel anything he still looked real worryed and he pulled me close and was trying to hold me i shifted back on my back and and pulled his hand to sit on my breasts i was feeling my arms and somehow got it though my head to choke myself i was doing just that putting more and more pressure on my thoat i was almost convulsing when he pulled my hand away from me and wouldn't let it back to my thoat so i put his hand their i made a fist with his hand and i pushed it as hard as i could into my thoat and held it there he grabed my hand and my other hand because i was starting to move it to my thoat and shifted me so that i was lying partly and leaning partly on him he put my hands behind his head and wouldn't let them near me and thats how we slept all night i didn't my hands back till this morning even then he was watching me i think i scared him i have constant thoughts to kill myself but i don't think it will happen because i know its not my turn to leave yet